She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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