Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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