go do what you do best...puke behind churches
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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