my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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