i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
