she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
