I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
