Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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