Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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