we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
where are my eyebrows?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
