ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
