Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
