cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
