I wanna passion pit in your ass
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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