24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
