And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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