I think my fart just growled at me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
