Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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