remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
