Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
