I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
