I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
