We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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