even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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