I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
