Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
