Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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