the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
