We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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