her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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