oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just want to make out with him forever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
