The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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