The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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