I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
