i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
