I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
