before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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