Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
