I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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