i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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