in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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