It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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