The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
