Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
