if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
