help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
