Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
