I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
