come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
