so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
