I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
