No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
